Empire of Storms by Sarah J Maas: A review

Week 9 of 13

Now, if you read this post (don't blame you for not), you'll know that I have a complicated relationship with the Throne of Glass books. I really honestly do think that Maas is a very good writer, and I enjoyed A Court of Thorns and Roses as well as A Court of Mist and Fury (to varying degrees, I might add, but no need to go into that now). I read Throne of Glass when none of the other books were published, and I thought it was good. When Crown of Midnight came out, I thought it was amazing and LOVED it. I found Heir of Fire really quite slow and really quite dull, and Queen of Shadows, dear God...

But anyway, let's get on with the review! Ever onwards! Once more unto the breach, my friends!  For Narnia, and for Aslan!

Rating: 3.98 out of 5 stars

Hmm...

Despite all of the things that pissed me off SO FUCKING MUCH about this book, I have to be objective. Don't anyone DARE to round that rating up to a 4 stars- it is firmly where it is, because I actually could not stand to make it any higher. I actually cringed when I typed the 4 onto the screen, and deleted it because I was shuddering so much I couldn't type.

OK, first and foremost, no one read this because they want to read about Chaol. Know why? HE. IS. NOT. FUCKING. IN. IT. 

AND YES, I GET THAT. I GET THAT HE'S OFF, PISSING AROUND GOD KNOWS WHERE WITH BLOODY NESRYN, BECAUSE HE'S PARALYSED FROM THE WAIST DOWN, AND I GET THAT, I GET THAT HIS STORY LINE IS KIND OF IRRELEVANT RIGHT NOW, I GET THAT IF THEY HAD, I WOULD LIKELY BE BORED, BECAUSE THERE ISN'T A WAY TO INCORPORATE HIM INTO THE STORY AS HE'S KIND OF USELESS UNTIL HE GETS BETTER, BUT WHAT THE HELL?!

IN CASE YOU HADN'T GATHERED BY NOW, I'M ANGRY ABOUT THIS.

And anyone who just read that might be thinking

because I clearly seem to understand why Chaol's POV was not included, but urgh, I hate Maas for this. Chaol was by far the best character in Throne of Glass, and even though Celaena/Aelin was always so fucking annoying, Chaol brought out the tolerable side in her. Just so you fully understand, I will make something clear. I am the kind of girl who would rather have this:

than:

I would choose Will Herondale over Jem Carstairs any day, every day. Daniel Cleaver over Mark Darcy, yessir, not matter how much I might regret the decision later on!

So when I read the first two books, I was actually amazed, completely confounded, ballistically bemused (does that make sense? Did I spell that right? Eh, who cares), that instead of the smooth talking, sexily smirking, sapphire eyed, rumpled-dark-haired man, I was, for some unfathomable reason, leaning towards... the nice guy???

Chaol is the most realistic character in the series. He is just such a good, decent guy, and  that's annoying, because as we know, the good, decent guy NEVER. EVER. Gets the girl.



You know what it kind of reminds me off? When (SPOILER FOR SEASON 6 OF GAME OF THRONES, IN CASE YOU LIVE UNDER A ROCK IN THE MOJAVE DESERT) Daenerys leaves my poor, poor baby Daario behind when she goes sailing off to Westeros. (FINALLY, FOR FUCK'S SAKE). Even though they are amazing together, and so compatible in so many ways, and he is so goddamn sex- er, I mean, um, caring, yeah caring. Despite all that, you know, deep inside, there won't be a future for them, because the trajectory of their journeys are veering fiercely away from each other. She's going to be the bloody queen of a country. My poor baby Chaol is just the Captain of the Royal Guard for the enemy country.

Let us all a moment of silence, in memory of that oh so beautiful, oh so proud, yet oh so doomed ship, the mighty Chaolaena.



Anyways, moving on!  (See what I did there? Dropped Chaol like a squirming baby, the way Maas did *glares*)

I was so, so pissed off at Maas' treatment of Chaol, and about Rowan and Celaena, and various other things, that I'm really irritated at myself for actually really, really enjoying Empire of Storms. Say whatever you want about Maas (and I have, believe you me) but you cannot deny that she is very good at what she does. Especially when you compare her writing from Throne of Glass to this one, you can tell that she has really evolved and strengthened as a writer, and her writing is honestly very good.

The pace to it was tremendous as well- so different to Queen of Shadows, where I would actually have to reread pages because nothing was sticking. All the big fight scenes, or the extremely tense scenes, were also written fantastically too, and I had my heart in my mouth reading it, not bearing to read on in case it all went drastically wrong for our protagonists, but at the same time, not wanting to put it down. It was so gripping, and it was the biggest reason why I rated it pretty high. And that cliffhanger at the end man!



And for that, Maas, I must commend you, however grudgingly I do.



But let's move on to something else that made me cringe so, so badly. The sex.



I'm not entirely sure why, but Maas cannot write sex. She just can't. Some writers are quite good, and even in YA books that will have fairly young readers, they can still get you hot under the collar. But whenever Maas tries, I can't handle it. It's perhaps not as graphic as A Court of Mist and Fury, but the thing is, that one fit into the plot. This one didn't. I just felt it was so unnecessary and forced, and the fact that Maas is really descriptive, but at the same time, trying not to be too graphic, just did not work for me. For God's sake, just write the word "cock" and get over it! And also, Rowan and Aelin just do not work for me, at all. Perhaps if I really liked Rowan, I wouldn't have minded it so much, but whenever Aelin's reaction to Rowan was described and she'd go on about how sexy and masculine and Fae he was and how much he turned her on, and all this other deep meaningful shit about how much they love each other:

“He was hers and she was his and they had found each other across centuries of bloodshed and loss, across oceans and kingdoms and war.” 

“Even when this world is a forgotten whisper of dust between the stars, I will always love you.”

“This thing between them, the force of it, could devour the world. And if they picked it, picked them, it might very well cause the end of it.” 

And man, Rowan.



He's. So. Boring. Maybe not as boring as he was in Queen of Shadows, he did get marginally more interesting and three dimensional and fleshed out, especially towards the end, but I still don't see the attraction. He's just so bland and perfect and boring. I'll take an interesting, imperfect guy any day. And why the fuck can he not stop biting Aelin?! This isn't when they're having sex, I'll have you know. It's just when they're talking, or whispering sweet nothings, he'll just nip her. Fuck's sake mate, she's queen, not a cake.



That had no relevance, by the way. I just find it hilarious.

But I must admit, he'll get a lot more interesting in Book 6, especially with the new burden of responsibility the ending left him with. Let's see how Perfect Rowan handles being responsible for winning back a country.



And Aelin.



Rowan's annoying because he's boring, because he has no substance. Aelin's annoying because she's too obnoxious.

I don't like Aelin. There, I said it. Perhaps I'm the only person on the planet who doesn't, I'll deal with the burden of being the last of my kind. She's just stuck-up, self-righteous, self-satisfied, self- absorbed, arrogant, obnoxious and rude, and the other characters aren't helping. The way everyone else treats her, Aedion, Rowan, Lysandra, even Gavriel, Fenrys and Dorian, you'd think the sun shone from her fucking bum crack. Dorian is a King as well, and we know he's no pussy, and for some reason, he's sitting back, letting Aelin do her thing, running the show, having her secrets, and not standing up for himself and saying "Bitch, I am your equal, not your subject."

I would like to push everyone off this Aelin fanclub train. Especially Gavriel and Fenrys! Like, they have lived for thousands of years, done so much stuff, seen so many different types of people, and they're so fucking impressed with her, as if they've never seen anything so amazing in their lives!

“Aelin was no savior to rally behind, but a cataclysm to be weathered.”

“You will find, Rolfe, that one does not deal with Celaena Sardothien. One survives her” 

And all of these plots that Aelin is cooking up in her head?! To be honest, it was actually quite good, reading about these plans that Aelin wove together so carefully, unfurling so perfectly, but come on! Aelin has NO battle experience. None whatsoever. She doesn't consult with Aedion, who is a bloody army general, or with Rowan, who is (allegedly) one of the most powerful Fae warriors out there, and you expect me to believe she is capable of cooking up these complicated, very smart and intelligent battle strategies with no help?! Is that actually realistic to people?

Having said that, with that ending... I won't spoil anything, but I'm feeling slightly more generous towards her. That cliffhanger did turn Aelin's character around for me quite a bit.

Let's finally just go towards my favourite ships to emerge from this book.

1) Dorian and Manon



Man, I LOVE these two! Manon is just so fucking badass, forget Aelin, Manon is the true ass-kicking heroine in this story. It was a bit inconsistent though, that Dorian was so reserved and quiet around Aelin and the gang, but leave him alone with Manon and



Whatevs, this is an inconsistency I can handle. Man, I don't want to read about two people professing their undying love for each other and all that other romantic sappy shit, I want two people who know what they want, and aren't afraid to go after it. I don't know how their story is going to end though, especially as Dorian is a king, and his queen can't be, you know, not human, but whatever. If Maas sinks this ship...



2) Elide and Lorcan



Elide, man!



Fuck Aelin, let's put Elide on the throne and have her run this party!

Elide is amazing. On the one page, we have Aelin, going on about how hard Endovier was, and how cruel Arobyn was, and how disgusting Adarlan was, when she was living in the lap of luxury for most of her years, while poor Elide rotted in a tower. Elide went through so much shit, but did we have her giving massive, self pityng monolgues? No we did not! She got out there, bluffed her way out of some really tricky situations, weaseled her way into the heart of Maeve's most heartless warrior, all the while with a broken leg.



And Lorcan!



I did not think I was gonna end up caring for Lorcan as much as I did! His development, in that one book, was so good, and so realistic, and all those times he was making eyes at Elide, I was like



Him and Elide are just so perfect and so well matched. I actually felt so bad for him at the end, with the way Maeve treated him, and then Elide spurning him. Sure, he deserved it, with the way he betrayed Aelin, but Elide has to forgive him. She can't not. 


So to conclude... despite all my moaning about Rowan and Aelin and Chaol and sex... this book was good. Before reading it, I had read reviews where people compared its scope to that of  A Song of Ice and Fire, and I was like



But it has. It has evolved to encompass so many characters and so many storylines, to become an epic, and much like in ASOIAF, there are characters and pairings that we love, and others we detest, but it's sort of irrelevant because it's just such a massive, gargantuan, well-crafted spectacle. I didn't think I was going to say this, especially after Book 3 and 4, but this story has definitely picked up again. I cannot wait for Book 6.

Things I can't STAND in books

Week 8 of 13

Now, I don't want to brag, but I read a lot.

Like, a heck of a lot. And I read pretty fast as well (although, it seems, not fast enough to finish reading Empire of Storms, which this week's blog was meant to be about but don't worry (I'd be surprised if you were) I'll have it done for next week.) So I think it's fair to say that my opinion on any book is based on a pretty solid foundation of experience. But during my extensive reads of books spanning all genres of literature, I have discovered somethings. I've come across stuff which I love whenever it's featured in a book. And other stuff I detest. Now obviously, there are loads of the obvious things, like insta-love, poorly developed characters, and overuse of deus ex machina, which it goes without saying, any seasoned reader wouldn't be able to stand. But  then I have little pet peeves, and I don't know, maybe it's stuff other people don't like as well, but it's stuff that genuinely pisses me off so much. And I accept that some of it may seem a bit irrational, but eh, who cares. I am generally quite an irrational person.

1) When a character isn't given enough of a physical description

I am quite a visual person, especially with things like colours. It's why I appreciate random things like beautifully decorated cupcakes, vividly hued flowers, and beautifully exquisite male specimens.




I didn't have a particular purpose for putting that gif there- Max Irons' beautiful face just makes me happy.

And so I like both reading and writing descriptions of things. I think at least in this regard I speak for quite a lot of people, in that we need to be able to visualise a character, because it kind of just helps us get into the story a bit more. There's obviously also the other end of the spectrum, where the author can't stop going on about a character's beautifully sculpted forearms, or the way the sun glints through a guy's perfectly rumpled, chestnut hair, picking out the gold highlights or whatever, (and I'm not so stupid that I don't realise that it happens - and why-  mostly to male characters) and the book is so stuffed with similes and metaphors and synonyms for the word "gold" (looking at you, Cullen, you sparkling little shit) that you need to open a window because you're starting to suffocate from the repugnant stench of purple prose.



But when a character isn't given enough of a description, is almost as bad. Now bear in mind, I may not be able to give good enough examples, because all of these books I will have read some while ago, and I cannot be bothered at all to go trawling through Goodreads, or pulling out my copies of these books, to back up my pet peeves.

Take One Plus One, by Jojo Moyes. Anyone read it?- if not, you should, because it's a great book. It's the story of Jess, a harrowed, single mother who barely earns enough to scrape a living for herself and her two children- Nick, who's not actually her blood son, and Tanzie, an eight years old maths prodigy. When Tanzie is offered a once in a lifetime opportunity that Jess just cannot afford, an unexpected person comes swooping in to save the day- Ed, a tech entrepeneur embroiled in his own problems, and not entirely sure why he's decided to take on a whole new lot of them.

This book was amazing, it really was- it made me laugh out loud so much, all the relationships were portrayed so well and so realistically, and I loved all of the characters. But the one thing that kept bugging me, was the fact that neither Ed nor Jess were physically described. Perhaps random physical characteristics were thrown out her and there, and we know from Jess' chapters and Ed's chapters, that the other is quite attractive, but what really irked me was the fact that most of the other characters- Nick, Tanzie, Jess' ex (can't remember his name), the ex's new girlfriend (can't remember hers either) are all described, but why on earth aren't Jess and Ed, two of the main characters?!

And another one, and this one really stands out because I read this book so long ago, I think I was in Year 7, and I can't remember many details at all about it except for this one. I read a book called Butterfly Summer, by Anne-Marie Conway, and it was good book (it may not have been actually, but my twelve year old self enjoyed it, that I remember). The main character, Becky, moves town and makes a friend, a guy called Max or something like that, and the one thing that I remember, to this day, is the fact that Max was not described. It said quite a few times that he was attractive, but I actually remember trawling through it, desperately looking for tidbits to help me put together a mental image of him. All I pieced together was that his eyes and hair were brown, and nothing else. It's actually a sign of how much it annoyed me, because I read it so long ago, and I have a notoriously short memory, but this thing really stuck out for me.

2) Forced banter

Sorry... I'll stop now...

Now, I am a great lover of banter. Nothing can ever be too banterous for me- my friends and I happily traverse our lives on the banterwagon, hanging out with Bant and Dec, meeting up with Barack Obanter, squeezing as many banter puns into our sentences as inconspicuously and seamlessly as possible. To great effect, I'm sure you'll notice.

And whenever there's a particularly banterous bit in a book, no matter how cheesy, I'll have little chuckle to myself. I just love that overall squad feeling and camaraderie between characters, if it's done well and developed properly. Six of Crows, for example. I've gushed on about it quite a lot, I feel, but that's because one of the many aspects I loved about it was the way the six main characters interacted. We cannot speak of banter, of course, without mentioning the Archbishop of Banterbury of himself- Derek Landy.

One of the many reasons why I love the Skulduggery Pleasant series, is the amazingly funny dialogue between the characters, and the reason I love it so much, is that it is, first of all, hilarious, but also, it's natural. It's not forced at all. No one is making a not-actually-very-funny comment, only to have the supporting characters guffaw with laughter as if Banta Clause himself sailed past in his sleigh.

Do you know a series that does the whole banter thing really badly? Throne of Glass. There's a lot of it in Empire of Storms, when most of Aelin's squad is together, and Aelin or Lysandra or someone will say something vaguely witty and not remotely amusing, and Rowan or some other equally stupid prick will "roar with laughter" or have "amusement sparkle in their eyes". And the thing is, I can tell that Maas wants us to look at them as some really dynamic, hilarious troop with great camaraderie who all make witty, articulate comments, only for someone else to come back with an equally as hilarious, sharp retort, and everyone ROFLs as sophisticatedly as possible. I'm probably not making much sense here, but whatever. It just makes me cringe, because it's so forced and unnatural, and every time I come across it, I pity those poor people who just aren't as good as bantering as the rest of us, and just

3) "Flying-off- into- the- sunset" endings

That's me when I get to those kind of endings.

No matter how good the rest of the book was, I will hate the book (tell me it's irrational- I wouldn't even give the tiniest mouse shit) just for the rubbish ending. It feels like a cop out, you know? It feels like the writer couldn't be bothered to tie it up will enough to give a satisfying ending for the readers. And maybe the author did it purposefully, maybe they left the ending open so that the readers can make their own ending, so it's open to interpretation, so they can finish it the way they want, to symbolise all the possibilities of the unknown future...

It's like when you were in Year 2 and you had to write a short story, and you were having so much fun squeezing in wow words and making your heroine's secret power as control over everyone's bogies, and having cows that flew and produced chocolate milk and all that crap, that when the teacher said there was only five minutes to end of the lesson, you were like "OH SHIT!" and decided to end it with "And little Samantha woke up and it was all just a dream."

Feels like a personal betrayal, you know what I mean. Like, you stuck with this book for so long, and it was so good, and you were so hyped for a wicked ending, and then the ending was crap. 

It happened in Blood of Olympus, when Leo and Calypso literally, actually, legit went floating off into the sunset, and it completely ruined it for me. I was just like

Maybe that wasn't the best example, because, ya know, there's gonna be the whole Trials of Apollo series after it and the whole Heroes of Olympus squad will be in it... Okay, better example. The Dustlands Trilogy by Moira Young- an amazing series, right? But that ending though...

SABA AND JACK GO SAILING OFF DOWN THE RIVER INTO THE FUCKING SUNSET WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TAKING THE ACTUAL PISS??!!

And the thing is, with all the stuff that happens in Raging Star, and all the millions of goddamn main characters that die, the ending was all the more sloppy. and so many of them died so close to the ending and it didn't even show how Saba dealt with it and half of my favourite characters died and I needed the closure and urgh

4) Rubbish character names

When a bloody character called America is introduced in the first page, it's just

Does that make me a shallow person? Probably. 

But I just will not be able to take the character seriously. The author cannot sell to me that the girl who the world has been waiting for, the girl who will lead her people out of the tyrannical rule which under so long they have laboured, the girl who revolutionise the galaxy, is called... Kricket.

I didn't actually read those books, for the reason above.

And is it Graceling where one of the characters is called Po?

I hear the name Po, I don't think:

... I think:

So, that's it, I suppose. Can't really think of others at the minute, though I'm sure they're there. What does my one man viewership think? Does it agree, does it disagree, does it have any others? If it does, I implore it to drop a line or two in the comments section. Please

Attachments by Rainbow Rowell: A review

Week 7 of 13

I have read both Fangirl, and Eleanor and Park, which are by Rainbow Rowell too, and to be honest, I found them both really

And the thing is, there was SO MUCH hype about the both of them, that I couldn't help feel that I was the only person who didn't love them both. I didn't mind Fangirl- I finished it and everything, but I thought it was OK, nothing amazing and I actually couldn't even finish Eleanor and Park because I was just so disconnected from it, I had no attraction to any of the characters, and it was so mind-numbingly slow. Having said that, I've never been head over heels in like the way those characters were, so maybe I couldn't appreciate them the way the majority of the population seemed to, because no one's ever loved me like that.

But then I saw this in the school library, read the blurb, and thought I might as well, since I hadn't been able to read A Torch Against the Night like I was hoping to.

Rating: 4.18 out of 5 stars

Reading this book, I was just like

This book is set in 1999, and the glorious sun that is the Internet has just dawned on humanity. Reading this book, and being part of a generation where Snapchat and Instagram seem to have replaced ordinary human communication for the majority of the people, it was really interesting to see what some of the earliest examples of messaging-based banter looked like before it evolved and grew to encompass things like gifs and emojis. And part of me was like what I imagine teenagers from the future will be like, saying "OMG, why are they using email? Haven't they heard of, like, Whatsapp?" before I realised what time it was set in.

The book is basically about Lincoln, a late twenties (I think? I can't remember) guy who's not really sure where he's heading in life, and has taken a job as some sort of Internet security guard at a newspaper, who isn't building firewalls and stopping hackers like he expected, but has the very prestigious and scintillating job of reading people's mail. The newspaper has only just gotten it's staff email, and one of Lincoln's jobs is to make sure that people aren't using it frivolously, like forwarding dirty jokes or engaging in witty bantz, the way people most definitely still do not do. And again, I was like 

...before realising, once more, that it was 1999. 

So although Lincoln is meant to report whenever some infringes these rules, he can't help but get caught up in the most definitely frivolous email exchanges between Beth Fremont and Jennifer Schribner-Snyder, in their witty conversations and personal stories. And it isn't long before he finds himself in a situation he never thought he would... falling in love.

Man, I really enjoyed this book. One of the biggest things for me was that I found Beth and Jennifer's email exchanges absolutely hilarious. Their entire relationship actually, was really cute to witness, because, and I think I have said it before, it is SO RARE to find a really interesting, loving, genuine between two women, who aren't horrible to each other.

"Oh, I love period dramas. especially period dramas starring Colin Firth. I'm like Bridget Jones if she were actually fat."

"Oh... Colin Firth. He should only do period dramas. And period dramas should only star Colin Firth. (One star upgrade for Colin Firth. Two stars for Colin Firth in a waistcoat.)

"Keep typing his name, even his name is handsome."

Oh, I agree girls...

And then there's the whole romance aspect. I must admit, no matter how hopeless and harmless and well-intentioned Lincoln seemed, with the whole email reading thing, I was like 

And I get that once he started, it was going to be hard to stop, but honestly, if they did get together, how did he think she would react once she found out?! Like, there's this foreign drama I was watching, where this guy has married a girl that he loves but he hasn't told his mum because his mum hates the girl, but his mum thinks he isn't married, so she sets him up with this other girl, and he keeps going along with it, not wanting to tell his mum anything, to the point that he becomes fucking ENGAGED to this other girl as well, all the while keeping his wife a secret. And his mum and fiancee (and fiancee's family) and wife (who didn't know about the other girl) found out and there was a massive shitstorm and I was like

(I might not have been clear, but the point I was trying to make is DO NOT keep secrets from someone you are/hope to be in a relationship with. It won't end well.)

That being said... I couldn't help but feel bad for the guy, because he was just so pitiable. He had no idea what he was going to do with his life, he still lived at home with his mum, he was addicted to education (I know) and had only had one relationship with one woman his whole life. But he was just such a hopeless romantic, and unlike Fangirl and Eleanor and Park (urgh, this is  a sign of how unmemorable Eleanor and Park is, that I keep forgetting what it's called, and start to type Parks and Rec... and I don't even watch Parks and Rec) I could see the whole buildup of feelings and despite being thoroughly creepy... it wasn't,

I really hope they turn this into a movie, because I can imagine this being a really good one. And one of the messages that I hope readers and hopefully in the future, viewers will get, is that you don't fall in love with people's faces. Lincoln didn't- he fell in love with the person Beth was, and although I am unsure of how authentic his claim was, because I can't help feeling that you can't have NO physical attracation whatsoever, he didn't care about how she looked.

“Do you believe in love at first sight?”

He made himself look at her face, at her wide-open eyes and earnest forehead. At her unbearably sweet mouth.

“I don’t know,” he said. “Do you believe in love before that?”

May God bless us all to find a man like that. 

*** JUST A QUICK NOTE- Hopefully, next week I will be reviewing Empire of Storms by Sarah J Maas, as well as (hopefully) Rowling's new novellas, so ya know, stay tuned if you care, and if you're actually there... I know you're not. I've seen the number of page views. ***